Dad's Log, Earthdate 15, 12, 2009 -
I've been working in San Diego yet still living an hour and a half drive away (depending on traffic). It's only a limited position, so I work full (actually averaging over 40 hour weeks) time, but don't have a permanent position. It's been a little over 3 months now since I started and I drive down Monday and don't go back home till Tuesday or Wednesday night and then back down again the next morning. It's definitely too much to commute every day on both gas and time, mostly gas.
So that's what this post is about (which has been way neglected I know). I've said before that there are things you will not be able to understand until you have your baby to love and it's true. I remember being in bootcamp for the Navy and there was a guy in there that was losing it. He was so wrecked and he even tried escaping. He just had a baby right before I left for bootcamp if I remember correctly and at the time I called him an idiot for joining the military when he just started a family. I didn't even feel any compassion for him (which isn't my strong suit anyhow lol). Now thinking back, I don't want to imagine being in his position. Not being there is the worst thing ever.
I do enjoy being back to work and I most enjoy the stimulation, but I just wish I didn't have to miss out on so much at home. It's partially paid back by Claire's reaction when I do come home at night. One week in particular when I had to work five 12 hour days and couldn't go home until the week end was especially fantastic. Apparently she had been a real scorch all week and wouldn't eat much and was just in a bad mood all around. I remembered back to a story I was retold of when I lost my grandma and for a week I wouldn't eat (I don't know the rest of my behavior, I was 4 I think). I don't know if that was the case, that she thought I wasn't coming back or not, but never-the-less it killed me to think she might be feeling that way. And when I finally got home she ran to me and yelled "Dada!" and came into my arms and repeatedly hugged me and kissed me and nuzzled her face against mine and would lean back and look at me and then point at me and exclaim to Alexis "Dada!" and go back to hugging me. I don't know how long she did that, but she repeated that for a while and it was the best thing I could have asked for.
I don't know how mothers or fathers can be separated for months at a time. I feel like I have to try my best not to think about it. Cuz not holding my fiance or baby every night just plain out is teh suq.
