I think every girl has an idea of what kind of mother she's going to be, or wants to be. Or if she doesn't she, at least, has an idea of what she thinks a mother should be like. For me it was a woman who is involved, and caring, with an overwhelming desire to feed her child plate after plate of homemade pasta, I clearly grew up in an Italian family. I have this picture (probably from some awesomely cheesy Disney channel movie) of a young girl sitting in the kitchen baking cookies and talking with her Mom. Problem is ... I'm not much of a baker. I don't see myself in the same way I imagine Moms to be. And I'm totally okay with that. If I've learned anything in my short time as a Mother, it's that there are a million different ways to be a mom and not a single one of them is the right way.
I guess I knew I was going to stray from my Motherly vision from the moment Claire was born. Everyone says when you hold your baby for the first time you fall in love. As I held her for the first time I thought to myself, "Where's all this love everyone's talking about?" Don't get me wrong, I thought she was the most adorable baby I'd ever seen but I just didn't have that moment. To me she was a little stranger who I barely knew aside from her kicking the crap out of my belly (which I didn't actually appreciate). As the weeks progressed I grew to like her a lot but I still didn't love her like I thought I was supposed to. When I finally decided that I did love her it was pretty conditional. It took me about 6 weeks before I felt full on unconditional love for her. From the outside it seems so cold not to love your baby immediately, but to me it felt normal. I needed to get to know her better and she needed to get to know me. I don't think I'm the only woman to feel this way upon the birth of their child. With so many different types of women, it seems unnatural for all of us to feel the exact same way about the same event. At first I felt really bad about my reaction to Claire and how long it took me to connect with her, but now I feel so much closer to her because I gave myself the time I needed to become the type of Mom I know how to be.
More than a year later, I've cast aside my vision of the perfect mother for a more realistic version. As the time passes I become more comfortable and confident with my style of mothering. It's become clear to me that I don't have to change who I am at the core to be a good mom. I might not change a diaper as quickly as other mothers, but the diaper still gets changed. I'm more laid back than most moms, and I think that's great. I will take Claire to Disneyland more times than I can count before she will be able to remember it and I will think it's worth it, even if other moms don't. I can be involved and caring while sarcastically cracking jokes on the side. I can use the word "really?" as discipline effectively. And I can sit in the kitchen with Claire talking and eating cookies without having to become a baker.
I guess I knew I was going to stray from my Motherly vision from the moment Claire was born. Everyone says when you hold your baby for the first time you fall in love. As I held her for the first time I thought to myself, "Where's all this love everyone's talking about?" Don't get me wrong, I thought she was the most adorable baby I'd ever seen but I just didn't have that moment. To me she was a little stranger who I barely knew aside from her kicking the crap out of my belly (which I didn't actually appreciate). As the weeks progressed I grew to like her a lot but I still didn't love her like I thought I was supposed to. When I finally decided that I did love her it was pretty conditional. It took me about 6 weeks before I felt full on unconditional love for her. From the outside it seems so cold not to love your baby immediately, but to me it felt normal. I needed to get to know her better and she needed to get to know me. I don't think I'm the only woman to feel this way upon the birth of their child. With so many different types of women, it seems unnatural for all of us to feel the exact same way about the same event. At first I felt really bad about my reaction to Claire and how long it took me to connect with her, but now I feel so much closer to her because I gave myself the time I needed to become the type of Mom I know how to be.
More than a year later, I've cast aside my vision of the perfect mother for a more realistic version. As the time passes I become more comfortable and confident with my style of mothering. It's become clear to me that I don't have to change who I am at the core to be a good mom. I might not change a diaper as quickly as other mothers, but the diaper still gets changed. I'm more laid back than most moms, and I think that's great. I will take Claire to Disneyland more times than I can count before she will be able to remember it and I will think it's worth it, even if other moms don't. I can be involved and caring while sarcastically cracking jokes on the side. I can use the word "really?" as discipline effectively. And I can sit in the kitchen with Claire talking and eating cookies without having to become a baker.
xoxo
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